Lessons in Marriage After 30 Years.

Sometimes I wonder if marriage should be harder than it is. Seriously. John and I have a great relationship.

Of course, we fight - sometimes about important things, but often times about stupid things. I bicker and nag at him more than I would like to admit. He tinkers in the garage for hours to avoid me at times.

Nonetheless, we have made it through quite a bit of adversity in our 7 years together, and shared many, many happy times, too. Granted, we don't have kids to complicate matters, but I'll say it again, friends: Our marriage is easy.

I think a lot of support for our marriage comes from John's sisters and my parents. Isn't that what family is for? To support us in our love for each other? I think so, even when things don't appear so easy.

With that being said, tomorrow is a big day, people. My parents will celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary.
Thirty years. That's huge.

That's 30 years of working it out, even when it doesn't feel easy.

That's 30 years of soakin' in the sunshine, especially when it is easy.

That's 28 years of raising kids, which is anything but easy.

My parents, two people who have made marriage seem natural for three decades, have some wisdom we can glean. So lets hear a little bit about their marriage, and see how it can fit into our own relationships, shall we?

...

How did dad ask you to marry him?
Mom: I think I asked him.

Dad: Your Gramma Jan did the asking. 

Mom: No she didn't! 

Dad: No, no, I'm kidding. We'd been dating for about 5 years, so we thought we should get married. It was just time. 

Mom: Well, jeeze, it wasn't a shot gun wedding or anything. There just wasn't a formal proposal.


Tell me about your wedding. 
Mom: We had a band, and it was at a golf course on a lake. We cooked a buffalo...

Dad: Oh yeah, a buffalo!

Mom... and had pork from your grandparents. I had my sisters, my cousin Annette, and a friend as my bridesmaids, and about four ushers. 

Dad: It was a pretty average size for back then, a big church wedding. Maybe 200-300 people.

Mom: We rode in an Amish horse and buggy from the church to the reception. That was alright, it was different. A hell of a lot better than going away in the manure spreader. 


Someone you knew left their church wedding in a manure spreader? 
Mom: Yeah, someone from town. I don't remember who. 

Dad: Hahahahahahaha! That's right!

Mom: It was new, right from the implement. Not messy or anything. 

Dad: Hahahahaha!


Moving on. How did you make it to 30 years? 
Mom: Patience. There are some times when you just bite your tounge and pick your battles. But marriage is not always about that. Being married for 30 years, you eventually know the other person really well.

Dad: Yeah, you eventually have to suck it up and get along when times get tough. I think we made it 30 years because I grew up in a household where my parents and most of my family are all married still. I didn't know anything different. When you get married, you stay married to that person, no matter what. 



Who, or which couple, do you model your marriage after? 
Mom: I don't know that we model it after anybody, just other people that we knew that we liked and thought were doing it right. 

Dad: Well, everyone around us, some of our friends, actually got divorced. But, Kelli, I think you have to be best friends with each other when you are married. Instead of just being in love, you have to be best friends, too. 

Mom: We do everything together. I mean, when we first got married he would go out sometimes alone with his buddies and I would stay home with you kids when you were little. That stopped happening when you were older and we could get a babysitter. When you kids were older and in school we did things with other parents and you kids. That was always the most fun. 

Dad: You have to be really good friends with your mate - not just be married. For example, we go fishing together every year. Sometimes I go fishing in Canada with the guys, but I like it when she goes along because I like spending time with her.

Mom: There was no one we modeled after per say, but we saw other peoples' marriages that went bad and knew what we didn't want to do in our marriage. 


What's the hardest thing about marriage, in general? 
Mom: I don't think there's anything hard about it. But I do remember a time when all you kids were in school, and especially with you, we didn't communicate about how to raise you best when you were a teenager. You were the oldest and we hadn't done this before. We weren't on the same page sometimes, especially with this being our first time. We needed to be a team and talk to each other more and figure this parenting thing out. 

Dad: Yep. 

(Side note: I was a terribly mouthy teenager, and frequently pitted my parents against each other for 'important' things, like extended curfews and going on dates with older boys.) 



What advice do you have for couples who are going through a tough spot in their marriage? 
Dad: Well, I would first ask why they are going through a tough spot? I don't understand what can cause someone so much grief that they want to be divorced? If they have a major issue that pisses you off, work through it. 

You need to communicate. Figure out what the problem is and deal with it. Get back to why you married the person in the first place. 

Quit pissing and moaning. 


What do couples needs to think about before they get married?
Dad: We dated each other for 5 years, so we knew each other really well. That's pretty important for any couple. 

Mom: Your Gramma Jan gave me this advice: When you are dating a person and find you don't like something about them or what they are doing, don't think you can change them. They might grow up and grow out of that habit or trait, but they might not. You can never change a person. 

That was pretty good advice, but personally, I think you have to have a lot in common with your mate.

Dad: Yeah, nothing changes once you get married, they remain the same person you were dating. It all comes back to this: You have to marry your best friend; someone you want to be around more than anyone else.


Did you always want children? 
Mom: Oh yeah. I actually wanted one more child, but I wanted to have all my kids by the time I was 25, and it just didnt happen.

Dad: We planned all of our kids. No tavern babies.

(Side note: Well, that's reassuring.)




How did you manage to stay a 'married couple', instead of two individuals who are parenting the same children? 
Dad: We did it all together. When you kids were growing up you were actually the glue that held us together. Your activies pulled our family together; all the school events were perfect and family friendly. I can't believe it, but those 16 years of school functions held us up.

Mom: When you kids started middle school sports and activities especially, you became our entertainment. We became friends with your friends' parents. 

But you have to have a strong marriage when you get to that 'empty nest' stage. When you all graduated it was hard, so if you don't have a plan for your marriage after that stage in life, it will be harder. 




What do you want your children to remember about your marriage and parenting? 
Dad: We want you to remember the experiences around our family time together. Those were some fun times. Even now we enjoy talking about those family gatherings and vacations, so we hope you still like remembering them when we're gone.

Mom: I want you guys to remember all of our vacations where we forced you to get along, even if they were just to Canada fishing. I know that you guys wanted to go somewhere else, more kid-friendly, but we want you to remember those moments together as a family, because we worked hard for it.  


 

What are some things you and dad want to do in your future years together?
Dad: There's nothing I want to do here back home, I am totally content. We didn't always have a lot of money when we were young parents, and I realize now that I have a little more money, you aren't aways happier. Even so, I want to see things and go places.

Mom: I would like to travel more and not be tied down; come and go as I please. And be grandparents before I'm 80.

(Side note: We'll get right on that.)

...

What say you? Whether you've been married for a month or 50 years, share your own marriage advice in the comments below. Let's get this party started. 


43 comments:

  1. One of my secrets for guys to have a happy marriage? PEE SITTING DOWN! I know most think it's not "manly" but trust me, it will save a LOT of fighting!

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    Replies
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  2. Neat interview! Your parents rock- "quit pissing and moaning"- so true, so true.
    I would say- communication is so important. Even if what you have to say to the other person is awkward or uncomfortable, if you have an issue with something important in you relationship you need to address it before it spirals out of control. That being said, you need to pick your battles- don't pick your spouse apart for every little thing that annoys you. And be silly sometimes! Love your blog.

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  3. Replies
    1. It's safe to say that there were a half dozen moments where my dad said, "Wait, you probably shouldn't phrase it like that..."

      Oh, Dave.

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  4. bwahahaha! Quit pissing and moaning. So true. My parents celebrated 41 years of marriage this year and they married after only dating for 3 months. 3. And they didn't know each other before those 3 months. ;-) Awesome post. Love it. Congrats to your parents.

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    Replies
    1. Have you ever talked with them about how they made it work? I am pretty sure couples today who only dated/knew each other for three months would NOT survive for 41 years. They clearly have something special goin' on. Congrats to them!

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  5. Great advice Dave and JoLynne! Prole have asked how Kevin and I make it work and I tell them that we not only love each other, we really like each other. We team parent and we take interest in what the other likes to do. Married 32 almost 33 years. (P.S. I went to school with your parents, graduated with your mom)

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  6. Excellent advice and thank you very much for your narrated family story and marriage in general. I agree with most of the points given by you. The only thing I can say that in our time do not necessarily to be in a relationship with a man or woman about 5 years to get to know him or her well. I have met my wife at http://nikolaev-marriage-agency.com/ and after 6 month we have got married.

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  24. i am 52 years old Father of two kids. This is certainly a shocking and a genuine Testimony i have ever seen nor heard.. i visited a forum here on the internet after i had an argument with my wife and my marriage of 18 years was broken down and i was totally inconsolable and without hope because i have tried all means to get back my wife after much pleading and did everything possible to make sure that she comes back, but nothing worked out and i have thought of suicide at times.... i saw a marvelous testimony of this powerful and great spell caster called Dr MUNA on the forum.. And i read how He reunited a family and brought the Husband of a woman back to her in just 24 hours..i never believed it, because i never heard nor learnt anything about magic before.. Not a soul would have been able to influence me about magical spells, until Dr MUNA did it for me and restored my marriage back and brought my spouse back to me in the same 24 hours just as i read on the internet..i was truly astonished and shocked when my WiFE came to my house and knelt down begging for forgiveness, for me to accept her back.. i am really short of expressions, and i don't know how much to convey my appreciation Dr MUNA is certainly a God sent to me and my family.. he did his work just as he guaranteed me in 24 hours and it yielded an optimistic result to me and i was able to get back my wife. Right this moment my wife has falling so much in love with me and my kids like never before. This spell casting isn't brain washing but opened up her eyes to see how much i love and wanted her, i really don't know how best to be grateful for bringing happiness into my life and family, and now i'm a man with much excitement once again. You can get back your spouse too Contact DR MUNA now... marvelspelltemple @ gmail. com whatsapp number +2348071660388

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  25. I have been in marriage for 13 yrs with no child of my own and my husband loved me so much that he never does things without me. We do almost everything together and that made my marriage so romantic and interesting but i have always worried about having my own kids even if it's just one. My husband never seem to be worried or talked about it and it bothered me so much. i am really short of words of what happened later but i would try to put it in a short note because it's my greatest joy on earth. Few years back my husband fell into the hand of a gold digger who tried to took him away from me. This lady manipulated my husband and he took her side and left home to stay with her for almost a year while was lonely crying day by day waiting for him to come back home until it got so bad that i couldn't bear it anymore and i was about giving up on him because of all this good for nothing online Fake spell casters and Scams who rip off my money trying to bring him back home. This is certainly shocking and genuine living Testimony of mine and it does goes on right now in my life. i came across some suggestions and i was convinced to work with this man after i expressed what i have be going through since my husband left home to DR MUNA. He told me what i needed to know and requested for an ancient items he needed to have my spell done and they are what i could not get myself so i had to i sent him some money to do whatever its requires and hoping this is another Scam. But when DR MUNA called me and told me he is done with my Spell. My husband came back home with a surprised apology gift. i had him back and right till this moment we have loved each other again more and more and i am 6 months pregnant and i will be having my third child soon. This is an extraordinary blessing and to all soon to be a mother. My inspiring story and here his email iD marvelspelltemple@ gmail. com whatsapp number +2348071660388

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  26. I cried and sobbed day and night, until it got so bad i couldn't bear it anymore. and i reached out to people who can help, i hit on the real thing, and that is Dr Muna. i almost gave up trying to get my Ex Husband back and having a contented family again.. i had tried the whole lot i knew, and with spells, blessings and extraordinary magical powers done, and immediately after 2 days, my Ex Husband came back to me and he was penitent for everything that he has done. And now my life is balanced and i am happy again. MARVEL SPELL TEMPLE provided a great service, and i don't think people had known about Dr Muna temple and his magical powers. You are the diamond in the rough. Thank you Dr Muna You are talented and you give off yourself so freely like you did to me. Thank you for weaving your magical love spells for me. My Husband is back to me just the way it was when we first met.. from the depths of my soul! i am immensely happy now. Thank you and God bless you so much sir. now my man is back to me just in 48 hours, as you have said it..omg.. i am fully rewarded. Thank you so much, Lots of appreciations.. Here is Doc Muna Email: marvelspelltemple@ gmail. com whatsapp number +2348071660388

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  27. My name is ERICA Angelica from USA, I want to quickly tell the world that there is a real on line spell caster that is powerful and genuine, His name is Dr OKITI He helped me recently to reunite my relationship with my husband who left me few years ago, When i contacted Dr OKITI he cast a love spell for me, and my husband who said he doesn't have anything to do with me again called me and started begging me to come back. He is back now with so much love and care, today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the powers to restore broken relationship and marriages, because i am now happy with my husband. To anyone who is reading this article and needs any help, Dr OKITI can also offer any type of help like, Curing of all types of Diseases, Court Cases, Pregnancy Spell, Spiritual protection and lot's more. You can contact him Via his email okitilovespelltemple@gmail.com

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  28. My name is ERICA Angelica from USA, I want to quickly tell the world that there is a real on line spell caster that is powerful and genuine, His name is Dr OKITI He helped me recently to reunite my relationship with my husband who left me few years ago, When i contacted Dr OKITI he cast a love spell for me, and my husband who said he doesn't have anything to do with me again called me and started begging me to come back. He is back now with so much love and care, today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the powers to restore broken relationship and marriages, because i am now happy with my husband. To anyone who is reading this article and needs any help, Dr OKITI can also offer any type of help like, Curing of all types of Diseases, Court Cases, Pregnancy Spell, Spiritual protection and lot's more. You can contact him Via his email okitilovespelltemple@gmail.com

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  29. My husband and I have been married for over 10 years. We met when I was 18 and he was 21. We’ve been through a lot emotionally together. There were several HUGE fights and painful situations in our marriage, but we always seemed to come out stronger on the other side. Out of the blue my husband just sprung the divorce talk on me, I was totally depressed until I found Dr.Todd website online and i ordered for a Love spell. You won’t believe my husband called me at the exact time this spell caster finished his spell work in 24hours. I was totally amazed! He is wonderful and his spells work so fast. His contact: manifestspellcast@gmail.com
    https://manifestspellcast.wordpress.com
    WhatsApp: +27613087679

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  30. Am here to testify of the miraculous work of a great traditional doctor called DR. Osasu..I have been suffering from herpes since last 2 years with my Husband but today I am happy that am cure from it with the herbal medicine made by Dr. Osasu the great healer, I was browsing the Internet searching for help when I came across a testimony shared by someone on how Dr. Osasu cure her from Herpes Disease. I quickly contacted him to get the cure and today i am now free from the Virus, I am so much happy today that we have someone like this great healer out there, so' people out there kindly contact this great doctor on his email address please sir keep your good work cause there are people out there who is in need of your healing medicine .once more contact him now +2347064365391 Dr. Osasu can prepare Herbal medicine for all kind of disease. HIV. CANCER. HEPATITIS B .DIABETES. COLD SORES. Syphilis. HBV, HPV, STD's And many more.
    contact Dr. Osasu to get your CURED EMAIL>> drosasu25@gmail.com OR CONTACT WHATSAPP +2347064365391

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  31. Am here to testify of the miraculous work of a great traditional doctor called DR. Osasu..I have been suffering from herpes since last 2 years with my Husband but today I am happy that am cure from it with the herbal medicine made by Dr. Osasu the great healer, I was browsing the Internet searching for help when I came across a testimony shared by someone on how Dr. Osasu cure her from Herpes Disease. I quickly contacted him to get the cure and today i am now free from the Virus, I am so much happy today that we have someone like this great healer out there, so' people out there kindly contact this great doctor on his email address please sir keep your good work cause there are people out there who is in need of your healing medicine .once more contact him now +2347064365391 Dr. Osasu can prepare Herbal medicine for all kind of disease. HIV. CANCER. HEPATITIS B .DIABETES. COLD SORES. Syphilis. HBV, HPV, STD's And many more.
    contact Dr. Osasu to get your CURED EMAIL>> drosasu25@gmail.com OR CONTACT WHATSAPP +2347064365391

    ReplyDelete
  32. When I found Dr. Paul I was in desperate need of bringing my ex lover back. He left me for another woman. It happened so fast and I had no say in the situation at all. He just dumped me after 3 years with no explanation. I contact Dr.Paul through his website and He told me me what i need to do before he can help me and i did what he told me to, after i provided what he wanted, he cast a love spell to help us get back together. Shortly after he did his spell, my boyfriend started texting me again and felt horrible for what he just put me through. He said that I was the most important person in his life and he knows that now. We moved in together and he was more open to me than before and then he started spending more time with me than before. Ever since Dr. Paul helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before. I highly recommends Dr. Paul to anyone in need of help. Email: astoriashrine@ gmail com, Call him or add him on whatsapp via: +2349051441669

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  33. When I found Dr. Paul I was in desperate need of bringing my ex lover back. He left me for another woman. It happened so fast and I had no say in the situation at all. He just dumped me after 3 years with no explanation. I contact Dr.Paul through his website and He told me me what i need to do before he can help me and i did what he told me to, after i provided what he wanted, he cast a love spell to help us get back together. Shortly after he did his spell, my boyfriend started texting me again and felt horrible for what he just put me through. He said that I was the most important person in his life and he knows that now. We moved in together and he was more open to me than before and then he started spending more time with me than before. Ever since Dr. Paul helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before. I highly recommends Dr. Paul to anyone in need of help. Email: astoriashrine@ gmail com, Call him or add him on whatsapp via: +2349051441669

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  34. My Name is EMRY KHALAN, AM from United states.. i am here to share my testimony on how i conceived my baby. i have been married to my husband for 5 years without no issue.i have Been going to the doctors but still nothing.The doctor said that me and my husband are fine and I don't know where else to turn to.Until one day my co-worker introduce me to this great spell caster who helped her to get back her lost husband back with love spell and also made her pregnant, So I decided to contact this spell caster Dr.Uzoya on his email after interaction with him he instructed me on what to do, after then i should have sex with my husband or any man I love in this world, And i did so,within the next one months i went for a check up and my doctor confirmed that i am 1 month pregnant of two babies.and assist in saving my marriage and also bring joy and happiness to my family.I want to use this medium to tell other women out there who is having pregnancy issues not to wait for years like i did. Because the solution of your problem is right there with Dr. Uzoya so email him so that he can help you. I am so happy...you also need help to get pregnant or need your ex back please email him; driraborspellcaster@gmail.com you can also call him on his cell phone number +1(301) 909-8775

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  35. Save Your Relationship and Get Your Ex Boyfriend/Girlfriend Back! contact: MiracleSpellHome@yahoo.com is certainly the best spell caster online and his result is 100% guarantee

    It's a privilege to share this miraculous testimonies to the world. I'm Cory Crow from Australia. My husband divorced me 4 months back and i have been filled with remorse for i didn't know what to do to amend issues with my husband. I searched for help on the internet on how i could get help in my marriage and i discovered great testifiers about Dr miracle who has been progressive with his spells. I got in touch with him and behold, Dr Miracle told me that he will prepare a spell for me that will bring back my husband. I was skeptical but i had no other option but to work with him. 2 days after, my husband called me that he's coming back home and from that day till this moment, we have been living peacefully. He is back now with so much love and caring. today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the powers of bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my husband,and the most surprise,is that our love is very strong,every day is happiness and joy. and there is nothing like been with the man you love. I will highly recommend Dr Miracle to anyone one out there who needs help whatsoever.if you have any problem contact Dr Miracle, i give you 100% guarantee that he will help you!!.

    (MiracleSpellHome@yahoo.com)
    Call Or Write Him On WhatsApp;+39(349)549- 4143,,

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  36. When I found Dr. Paul I was in desperate need of bringing my ex lover back. He left me for another woman. It happened so fast and I had no say in the situation at all. He just dumped me after 3 years with no explanation. I contact Dr.Paul through his website and He told me me what i need to do before he can help me and i did what he told me to, after i provided what he wanted, he cast a love spell to help us get back together. Shortly after he did his spell, my boyfriend started texting me again and felt horrible for what he just put me through. He said that I was the most important person in his life and he knows that now. We moved in together and he was more open to me than before and then he started spending more time with me than before. Ever since Dr. Paul helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before. I highly recommends Dr. Paul to anyone in need of help. Email: astoriashrine@ gmail com, Call him or add him on whatsapp via: +2349051441669

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