Contentment.

For the first time in a long time, I feel content.

With just about everything.

A few years ago at this time I was spending much of my free time brewing about my job, and how I didn't feel like the path I was on was the path I was destined for. I loved my job - I loved teaching and the students, but I felt much discontentment with the future of public education. And much of me still feels discontentment with public education, if we're bein' real here.


A few years ago I was desperate for a child, any child; biological or adopted. Again, if we're bein' real, I still want to be a mom, but I'm not desperate anymore. My views have changed substantially, actually, and all is well. 

A year ago John was getting ready to begin traveling full-time for his job again, and I was secretly unsure of how it would all play out for us, our marriage, and our future plans. 

But today, and for the last three or four months, I feel an overwhelming sense of contentment. I don't even know if that's really how I should describe it, but if only given one word, that's the word I choose: Content. 

I quit my full-time teaching job so I could travel with John a little and substitute teach. Lawd have mercy (!) that was one of the best decisions I've made. Looking back, I realize the pressures of commuting 50 minutes one way to a job where the administration was lack-luster and where the face of public education even more dim was a major contributing factor to the stress in my life. 

I had anxiety. I had a weakened immune system. I felt like I became a social recluse. 

And most importantly, in my most stressed-out moments I did not do the work of the teacher that I knew I was. I didn't - or couldn't - bring my A-Game each day. I didn't have it in me. 

Today, and for the last three or four months, I am content, friends.

I have reconnected with friends that typically got the back-burner to grading papers and parent/teacher conferences, and late nights of sending emails to parents. 

I have rekindled my interests in home renovation projects, working with my hands, and creating pretty things. I forgot how much I loved doing these types of things, because I never had time for them in the last six years. When I did have time, I was so exhausted that I would be in bed by 7 p.m.

I have recommitted myself to living a healthy lifestyle. I joined a gym again, I can cook healthy meals, and spend time in my garden growing my own food. I feel well. I have energy. I feel like if I were to become pregnant, or become a parent through adoption, I would have the physical well-being to be a kick ass mom. 

And I'm just going to say it, because I know you're all thinking it: I am diggin' substitute teaching. I get 1 to 3 calls per day regarding upcoming substitute teaching assignments in language arts and social studies classrooms for 7th through 12th grade. Sometimes I take the assignment, sometimes I don't. 

One day I wanted to go to help John figure out our bathroom tile pattern for our bathroom renovation, so I didn't take a call. I'm not hard up for cash, and spending time with him is more important. 

I suppose that's the beauty of subbing - working when you want. I know I'm not going to make as much money subbing as when I was teaching full-time, and I won't have the status of being a 'real' teacher. 

Hear me now, friends: I don't care. 

And it feels damn good not to care. 

Or, maybe I should put it this way: It feels damn good to care about the things that matter. 

That's it. 

It feels good to care about the things that matter. That is contentment. 

2 comments:

  1. I am so happy you are feeling "content". It's a great feeling! You will be a kick ass mom when your time comes! Glad you feel like things are heading in the right direction!

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